2008
Ágnes Heller
[English translation of “Heller Ágnes”]
If I had a choice to be born someone else
I would like to be Ágnes Heller
I would like to be Ágnes Heller
I would like to be Ágnes Heller
although I believe it would be hard for me to take up with the idea of believing that
Blondie has sung in Hair
and not that Debbie Harrie has sung in Blondie.
I guess I met her one time — she has weighed me on the scales and found wanting
when I used to believe that the way to philosophy leads via philosophy major
I was too big for my boots after scoring maximum on the written entrance exam
but then at the oral exam, as I was sitting in front of her in my witch moccasins
she asked me about the connections between Nietzche and logics,
given I claimed to have such an intimate relation to them….
I guess I haven’t put the proper emphasis on some nuances
I guess I met her one time — although probably it was Mari Ludassy
nevertheless, I’m sure she was a woman and a philosopher
back then I haven’t put the proper emphasis on such nuances
anyway, since then I can be driven out of the world with Nietzche
oh my, I was pretty much worn down by mentioning his name one time, not to speak of twice
I’d rather sing about Ágnes Heller
Sometimes I’m wondering about her life —
about the connections of life, dictatorship and creation
for example, I was playing with an idea… What would have I done
if, say, back in the communist regime a cop had tried to get me to become an agent III/III?
And I realized it wouldn’t have been a moral dilemma for me at all —
I would have told him, “sure, Sir, please ask for a cup of coffee while I sign this form”
I would have been such a dolt that I couldn’t have comprehendended what my autograph means on that worn sheet of paper soaking in beer
“oh nevermind”, I would have told myself, “it’s so unrealistic that these pen-drawn lines would make a significant difference to my life, cheap bureaucratic games, and at least finally he will get off of me” —
and then I think maybe I am the one from whom you could learn what it stands for: “beyond Good and Evil”
Although I believe I don’t need fictions
to make a testimony to the fact: I am who I am
Well, I remember well that girl
that very-very much drunk, blind drunk girl
unconsciouslessly drunk crippled drunk drunk girl
I wanted to call a taxi to take her home
but when she started to urinate in the bus stop
I tought I take a breath-length pause in aiding her…
When I got back, a homeless man was trying to pick her up
a drunk, stubbly homeless man in leisure suit tried to pick her up by a can of wine
and I was watching them while a bus entered the bus stop
and the homeless man led the girl toward the bus
and it has run through my mind:
I shall defend the virtues of the girl
or I shall get a pleasant night for the homeless man —
I will regret both
Of course, while I was meditating, they have fled by the bus
and I banged my head against the wall
I just wanted to be chivalrous, truly, honestly
a real alpha male
a never returning opportunity
but then I contemplated:
I demonstrated to the world what is the true meaning of applied philosophy.
If I had a choice to be born someone else…
